A Lawyers Favorite Lawyer Jokes
Q: How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?
A: She has an extreme craving for baloney.
Q: What is the legal definition of "Appeal"?
A: Something a person slips on in a grocery store.
Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 12?
A: Your Honor.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Q: Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"?
A: It comes with half of Ken's things and alimony.
Q: What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.
Q: What's the difference between lawyers and accountants?
A: At least accountants know they're boring.
1. A man who had been caught embezzling millions went to a lawyer. His lawyer told him, "Don't worry. You'll never go to jail with all that money? In fact, when the man was sent to prison, he didn't have a dime.
2. As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?" The nurse answered, "There's a fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you had died."
3. God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. Satan heard this, laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
4. A lawyer is sitting at the desk in his new office. He hears someone coming to the door. To impress his first potential client, he picks up the phone as the door opens and says, "I demand one million and not a penny less." As he hangs up, the man now standing in his office says, "I'm here to hook up your phone."
You Might Be A Lawyer If.... You are charging someone to read these jokes.
Richard Chapo is a San Diego business lawyer with http://www.sandiegobusinesslawfirm.com and is rumored to have a sense of humor. Then again, you never know with rumors.
New Orleans First to Experience Housing Bubble Burst
Are we starting to see the Housing Bubble Burst in the wake of Hurricane Katrina? In New Orleans many homeowner's had their equity literally washed away. They are upside down in negative equity and basically underwater.
Humor Under The Keyboards
For me, the piano is the symbol of what is stiff, proper and elegant. It doesn't have faults, it is perfect.
Coffee Tips (and the Elimination Thereof)
I have recently become frustrated with something at doughnut establishments, and I'm not referring to the scones, although -- seriously -- just think about the writing possibilities if I were. Rather, it's the tip cup that bothers me.
The Language of Appalachia
Imagine my surprise when I went to Jamaica a few years ago and learned that I do, indeed, have an accent. You see, unlike my paternal grandmother, I don't stretch the word "cornbread" into four syllables.
Not Your Average Sunday Morning
Just recently my ex-husband stopped in to visit during his vacation. In the course of small talk, a few old memories usually crop up in the conversation.
If Real People Ran the Bank - I (a spoof for the heart)
Banish Loans ForeverIf ordinary, hard-working, people ran the bank..
When It Rains, It Pours: Creating a Plan
It's time for me to announce that I have a lot of skeletons in my closet. I keep them there to stop people from stealing my jackets.
A Lawyers Favorite Lawyer Jokes
Lawyer JokesQ: How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?A: She has an extreme craving for baloney.Q: What is the legal definition of "Appeal"?A: Something a person slips on in a grocery store.
Playing Go-Between in the Digital Age
NOTE: This article was originally published in May 2000 at *spark-online.com when my grandmother was alive.
25 Reasons You Might Need to Wear a Welding Helmet
A welding helmet is a safety device worn for protection while one is welding; however, there are definitely many other uses for a welding helmet. A welding helmet is a very practical that should be found in every home.
Pee Here Now
Several years ago, I switched health insurance companies and my new insurer sent a uniformed nurse with short black hair to my house to conduct a health assessment. We sat at my kitchen table and she officiously asked questions about my health history.
Setting History Straight
Have you ever heard the name Will Schwenk? Or the name Artie Seymour? Probably not. But you will, you will, when the word gets around about how these two inglorious talents were by-passed, how they missed being touched by the magic wand of Fate.
How to Build a Cobblestone House
He huffed and he puffed and he blew the house down - certainly not if the house was built with cobblestones. Building cobblestone houses was a folk art that flourished in upstate New York from 1825 until the Civil War in 1860.
Silver Linings Are Everywhere
Viagra. That one word packs a lot of punch.
Fried Green Tomatoes Recipe
My next-door neighbors found a human bone in their backyard. Let me rephrase.
To See Or Not To See
I went to the eye doctor the other day. I thought it was time to have my eyes checked.
American Independence - The True Story
It was late in 1775, and King George III was at Buckingham Palace, sitting in reflective mood on his commode. His 13 year old son Prince George (yes, they were very imaginative with their names, those royal types), was sitting on the floor nearby, otherwise occupied with the 18th century equivalent of Game Boy: a model soldier with a rifle sat on a model elephant, shooting at a model tiger two planks of wood away.
I Got to Play an April Fools Joke Before I was Born
I will start this by saying that yes, I did miss being an April Fool, but only by a tiny margin. I was born just twenty minutes after midnight on April 2nd, and the events of the prior day in my home were quite interesting to say the least.
Stopping Bad Breath Bart
"Pee-ew! You smell like a skunk soaking in sardine nectar for a week." OK, so I can be a little candid every now and then.
Local Author Joins History and Humor To Tell His Stories
Joseph Yakel was born and raised in New York's Capital region, and calls this place home. His travels have taken him far and wide, but it's his hometown surroundings that serve as a backdrop for his writing.
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