LDS Singles - LDS Dating

3 Surefire Ways To Combat Rising Gas Prices


I have heard the rumblings of many of you in Readerland about the recent spike in gasoline prices. In fact it's all I seem to hear about lately. But at least it keeps you from rumbling about the infrequency of my columns and articles. Nonetheless, I have decided to try to help you get through this crisis by generously providing: 3 Ways to Combat Rising Gas Prices!

1. Don't Drive Your Car

This is, of course, the most obvious solution. If you never take the old Plymouth out the driveway, then it won't matter that at current gas prices it takes $125 to fill up the 30 gallon gas tank, or that you only get about 2.51 miles to the gallon. If you never drive, you could care less.

Of course, I know what you're going to say. "But Tim, I have places I need to go-like work. And the kids have school and soccer practice. And then there's grocery shopping and yoga lesssons and dinner at the Richardsons and blah blah blah and...." Ok, I get the point. Not everyone can sit around the house writing not-so-funny articles and searching the Internet for Drew Barrymore photos like me. I fully understand that some of you have a life. But just because you don't drive your own car doesn't mean you can't get around. The answer?

2. Carpool

It's seems so simple now doesn't it. Instead of using your gas-Use Someone Elses! Have someone else pay $5.50 a gallon for gas to take your kids to school. Make someone else dip into their retirement fund just so they can cover the gas bill needed to get you to the office and back everyday. Make someone else get a second job so that they can have a full tank of gas in their SUV when your daughter needs to cruise the mall. It's so simple.

Of course, the concept behind carpooling is that everyone takes turns driving. So in a normal carpool situation you would eventually be required to use your car and spend your money driving others around. But this is not a Normal Carpool Situation, this is a Tim Ward Carpool Situation (TWCPS). In a TWCPS you avoid using your own car by making it so that the other carpool participants would rather walk barefoot on 120 degree asphalt than ride with you. You achieve this by:

(a) never washing or cleaning your car. Leave it looking and smelling like the county landfill.

(b) Have the worst behaved child in your family sitting in the front seat at all times. Feed the child lots of candy so he/she is always superhyper.

(c) Refuse to discuss anything in your car except your spouses bad bathing habits, bodily fluids, hang nails, chest hair, etc.

(d) Only play reggae music on the radio. Loud!

You shouldn't have to worry about anyone wanting to ride with you ever again.

3. Ride the Bus/Subway

Many cities have a mass transit system that is an alternative to driving your own vehicle. If you live in a city that doesn't have one don't worry-you can always move. Of course, riding public transportation does have a few drawbacks, but these can be easily overcome if you follow these simple guidelines:

1. No matter what happens never, ever make eye contact with anyone. Making eye contact is an invitation for someone to mug you.

2. No matter what happens never, ever give up your seat to anyone. This is seen as weakness, and will be taken as an invitation to mug you.

3. No matter how tempted you are never, ever strike up a conversation with the person sitting next or across from you. This is very annoying and can be taken as an invitation for someone to mug you. Or worse, for someone to talk back.

4. Always make sure you are alert to get on and off at the right stop. Getting off at the wrong stop can lead to immediate mugging.

5. Never, ever take children with you on public transportation. Fellow passengers hate children. Children make you definite mug victim material.

Well, there you have it. 3 ways to deal with rising gas prices. Hopefully, you will be able to use these methods to keep from spending twice your car's Blue Book value just going to Walmart. Hopefully, next time your friends are grumbling and ranting about the mounting gas prices you will be able to just sit back and smile, content because the issue no longer concerns you. Hopefully, I've once more helped my loyal readers in a time of crisis. And all I ask in return as a simple thank you next time you see me. Just make sure we're not on the bus. I'd hate to have to mug you...

Tim Ward invites you to visit http://www.timward.1afm.com to subscribe to his humor column 'I Never Said I Was Normal'.



Sponsors of LDS Singles

   

 






MORE RESOURCES:

Kotaku

Has South Park's Humor Changed, Or Have We?
Kotaku
I think that part of this remove, part of the contradiction and the confusing-ness of South Park in general comes from the fact that it is really fundamentally straight white guy humor. It's this type of humor—and I engage in this humor all the time ...
South Park: The Fractured But Whole Yells At You If You Try To CheatKotaku

all 105 news articles »


New York Times

Need a Good Laugh? Check Out Some 17th-Century Dutch Art
New York Times
Jokes, and particularly coarse or bawdy humor, were apparently central to the life and art of the Dutch 17th century, according to a new exhibition at the Frans Hals Museum here, “The Art of Laughter: Humor in the Golden Age” which runs from Nov.



Business Insider

A sense of humor could mean you're healthier, happier, and smarter ...
Business Insider
Evidence suggests that having a good sense of humor is linked to high emotional intelligence and is a highly desirable quality in a partner.

and more »


Letter: Was cartoon humor or propaganda?
Record-Courier
A recent Record-Courier (online only) cartoon shows President Trump atop a piece of earth-moving equipment named 'Subsidy Cuts' recklessly undermining Obamacare. What provoked this 'fake news' cartoon is that the president has, by executive order, ...

and more »


HuffPost

Julia Louis-Dreyfus Tackles Chemo With Humor, Grit And Katy Perry
HuffPost
In an Instagram she posted Thursday, the “Veep” and “Seinfeld” star struck a feisty note dressed in a funny getup of hoodie, sunglasses and drawn-on mustache. She wrote that she had just finished her second round of chemotherapy, quoting Katy Perry's ...
The way Julia Louis-Dreyfus is fighting her cancer with humor can help women everywhereSalon
Julia Louis-Dreyfus' Cancer Treatment Update Shows She's Not Letting Chemo Stop Her Sense Of Humor — PHOTOBustle
'NOT f***ing around': Julia Louis-Dreyfus shares humorous photo after chemotherapy treatment to fight breast cancerDaily Mail
PEOPLE.com -TooFab
all 113 news articles »


Madison.com

'Breathe' is a movie about illness faced with humor and fortitude ...
Madison.com
Breathe” avoids falling into the trap of either being an “issue” film or a manipulative tearjerker about a hero with a fatal disease.
'Breathe' ignores all the inspirational movie clichesThe Daily Herald

all 101 news articles »


News3LV

Salute Our Troops | Local Army veteran uses unique sense of humor to serve other veterans
News3LV
Our nominee this month is someone who served decades in the Army, has a big heart, and also has a unique sense of humor. He's now using that humor to serve other veterans in Las Vegas. Tom Daw's story begins not unlike many others. "I was in the ...



whatcomtalk.com

Second Annual “Humor for Housing” Raises More Than Laughter for a Good Cause
whatcomtalk.com
On November 8 from 6:00-8:00 p.m., Lydia Place and The Upfront Theatre will partner to take a serious stand for homeless families at the second annual Humor for Housing. Presented by Pysden Team at Caliber Home Loans, this comedic event is an annual ...



Good humor aplenty
The Nation
I feel humbly privileged to have been born in a family known for wielding either a sword or the pen. One of our distant kin was the great writer A. R. Khatoon - my mother's aunt through a complicated relationship. Our homes in Lahore were on Lawrence ...



Buffalo News

Editor's Choice: Just how funny are the Trump humor books?
Buffalo News
Among the countless things that distinguish humor professionals from humor consumers is the idea that the Trump years make humor easy. Not so. Quite the opposite. Every day's White House insanity is so beyond the pale that it does two things: 1) leaves ...


Google News

home | site map
www.lds-singles.net © 2007